I have lots of experience with long distance relationships (LDRs). They are not something I would wish on my worst enemy. But, even so, I have willingly entered into these torture chambers of the dating world, and as such, I have a lot to say. This is part 1 – Requirements.
I think there are some key aspects that NEED to be present for any long distance relationship to be able to (heh) go the distance.
1. Trust: Obviously. This is needed for a strong relationship, no matter how far apart the two people live. But it is a lot harder to cultivate in a long distance relationship. Where usually you would get to meet your partner’s friends, coworkers, and have a general idea of what they are up to on any given day when you live in a different city this becomes a lot more difficult. You have to trust that the flirty coworker really has a serious boyfriend, the sexy friend thinks of them like a sibling and going to a movie with friends is REALLY with said friends. (This is probably the most difficult situation, because you might start questioning, is that REALLY why he wants his phone off for the next 2ish hours?)
If you are not someone who is able to accept things at face value, and needs to see for yourself the platonic relationships, a long distance relationship can quickly turn you into a ball of stress or have you channeling your inner Veronica Mars to try and uncover a million suspected affairs.
2. a) Communication: Another must for all relationships. The big focus on this one is making sure you find the time to communicate. And all those cutesy “thinking of you” texts and random funny anecdotes from your day don’t count. I’m talking making sure once a week – or once a day or hour or whatever was agreed on between you two – you set aside some time solely for each other. It is important to make sure once you have made a commitment to this communication that you keep to it, or it can be very easy to lose the trust that has been built in the relationship. After a couple missed phone calls or an apparent reluctance to commit your time, it can appear as if you are avoiding your partner, and they may start imagining many reasons for this absence – none of them good.
During this time you can share some of your disappointments of the week, some accomplishments, how you are feeling about your relationship and your plans for the future. Obviously some of this doesn’t need to be talked about each time, but reaffirming that you both want to continue the relationship regularly is extremely useful, as long distance is hard on people and realising you can not do it anymore is common.
If this happens, in my experience, it’s better to accept it when it happens instead of putting off ending it to “save the person’s feelings”. The longer it goes on the stronger feelings get, and the break will often end more bitter than if it had’ve been done immediately.
b) If you are not already sexually intimate, then this doesn’t really pertain to you. But if you have previously been intimate with your partner, it is important to keep up this intimacy. Whether you want to talk out what you’re doing and feeling on the phone or show what you want on a Skype video call, this part of relationshipship doesn’t have to be, and shouldn’t be sacrificed because of distance.
3. An End: The last, and the only one exclusively for LDRs, is having an end point. Whether it is when the person is done co-op or exchange and is back at school, or its a goal to have followed your partner to their new city by such-and-such a date, it is important to have this end date. Otherwise the relationship will stagnate and eventually die a slow and painful death as neither person can see a future in the relationship.
So these are my requirements for a (possibly) successful long distance relationship. A lack of any of these, I feel, will lead to a doomed LDR. In part 2 I will talk about my LDR Pet Peeves.
Til next time,
❤ VanCityGal
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